"It's not where but who you're with that really matters, that really matters". I want to give a shout out. I'm so glad to be with this family of mine, and with these friends. Thank you all so much for being so supportive and kind and just wonderful to us, to Logan, and Gray and Max during this tough time.
So Friday came and thank you JEEEZUSS it is going quickly.. I had a great connection with my counselor this morning, and the kids and I had several good days this week. I know I said Gray was going to be tested for the DB today, but that didn't happen... our Dr. wants that test done at Children's Hospital, so for today we know the following:
- they are adorable
- they are about to be FIVE
- they both weigh 40lbs (Logan gained 3lbs in 4weeks, regaining his lost weight.. I can't TELL you how much that cheered me up, he's filling back out and looking more healthy overall.. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
- They know all their letters, numbers, contintents, countries and district representatives (just ask them.. anything.. they will go on, and on and onnnnnnnnnnnnn)
- Vision and hearing are perfecto
- They are just darn cute.
Actually, anyone who has spent more than 4.2 minutes with my kids KNOW they are intense. Intensely sensitive, intense depth of emotion, intense vocabulary.. but another part I have been noticing so much is how amazingly KIND, and heartstoppingly wonderful they can be to each other, and to others. This week I've seen a lot of small kindnesses, and generous gestures that have made me feel warm, and proud to be their mother. We all try to compliment each other regularly on how well we are all handling this big change.
Today they felt "tricked" because we ended up having to do immunizations at this well check up visit. (Damn it! WHY did I not see this coming?) So I told them I agreed ...it pretty much sucked to have three big huge immunizations in your arm when you were not even prepared! AND, that the very very best thing for fixing THAT feeling.... is Star Wars toys.
I told them that Jer and I had talked it over, and we could go across the way to Toys R Us and each pick a "medium" prize for having all kinds of screaming and loudness about the shots, but no rudeness, as per our deal. Let me tell you how dazzled I became by Gray and Logan's mutual dissertation and very convincing argument over how a $128 Millennium Falcon was, indeed, "medium", given the givens. I had a hard time hiding my grin, they were so cute and serious. (Plus, have you SEEN the new Millenium Falcon? It's so amazingly cool!!! Oh, I wanted it, too.)
They felt strongly that they needed to go carefully all over the store, and Gray finally chose a rubbery sea monster ( $7.99) while Logan's ego was restored with a mere clone trooper action figure. ($6.99)
Here's my long, cute, and real answer to "HOW ARE THE SHOTS GOING?"
Jer and I created a new routine for Logan's HSP's.. and so far it is working out pretty well. Please peek in if you will, at the scene in my house, 3-4 times per day. It goes a little something like this:
Mommy: (Casually, but firmly) "Okay, Logan, time for your HSP." (tone implies "no big deal")
Logan: "But MOM! I just got on this level! (found this block, sat here, etc)"
Mommy: "It's time. You go find your safe place, and hide there, and I will come and find you!!" (Logan gets to be in charge of where.. and that control is working for him)
Logan: "O.K. But take a long time to find me, 'kay?"
Mommy: "Okay. "
Logan hides in one of two places, his bed or mine.
Actually today for the FIRST TIME he chose a kitchen chair, so we may be making headway on the internal safe feelings. So I go draw up the insulin after calculating his carb intake, exercise or stress output, current blood sugars, checking the stars, using a protractor and applying the Fibonacci Sequence to it....and recording it all in our "Frog Log" of daily carbs, blood sugars, and units of injections.
Mommy: (wandering between bedrooms) "HM... I wonder where he went? Geez. I hope he didn't turn invisible or have spider powers. I better check each ceiling." (staring up, I somehow 'miss' him right there on the bed)
Logan: (snickering very quietly) "snirkle! heeple!" (And other muffled giggles)
So I find him, and when I do, he has TWO MINUTES to do WHATEVER HE WANTS as long as he STAYS IN THAT ROOM. So far we have seen bed jumping, leaping from Gray's bunk, tower building, phonics work, power puzzling, and some forced farting.
When the two minutes are up, he gets to push a special button on the Mickey Mouse watch my mom gave me the other day (because my kids liked it, it was hers) and the watch plays the Mousketeers song.
Mommy: "Don't forget, when the song is playing, that is when you are deciding which arm to use."
After the song is over (I have to keep pretending that I think it's over and I am aghast at how long the watch takes to sing it's song. Actually, it is kind of driving me nuts already.)
Song over. Arm goes out onto pillow across lap. One final protest. My final murmurs of assured calmness. Super fast injection. (you pinch up some skin and a little fat tissue between your thumb and finger, giving you a hill of flesh to aim at. You inject at a 90 degree angle, so it goes into fat, not muscle. You are fast. You do not mess up. You smile, you say GREAT JOB! and you are casual, sweet and very firm about the whole thing.)
Sometimes he cries a tiny bit, sometimes not. He usually falls over dramatically, or a bit sadly. If he cries, I kiss him and just tell him how brave he is, how proud I am, how we are all doing our best. It's during these moments my love for him is so fierce, I could fight a lion for him and overcome. I kiss his little (now bruising from 4 weeks of this) arms over and over, and tell each arm how much I love it. I allow myself to feel the gift having him in my life. I have always loved my kids, but there is a clearer, more intentional way about my love now. I will do what it takes to support Logan and all of us to not just survive this, but to succeed, to learn, to feel more deeply, and share more openly. This is a love fresh, wet and raw feeling, when you love someone who has an issue that could take them from you.
So, happier week, stronger song. The kids have a bedtime routine that involves "3 stories and 3 songs" and sometimes we add new ones. This week we added what might be our new family theme song, "The Best of What's Around" (thank you Dave Matthews):
"Hey my friend It seems your eyes are troubled Care to share your time with me?
Would you say you're feeling low and so A good idea would be to get it off your mind
See you and me, we have a better time than most can dream of
Have it better than the best
So we can pull on through
Whatever tears at us
Whatever holds us down
And if nothing can be done
We'll make the best of what's around"
I think it's pretty solid life advice for this situation. If we can't make it go away, let's make the best of it, not in a bedraggled.. "we're surviving" way, but let's just keep on being us and incorporate this into it. Let's do our best, make it fun when we can, be silly and patient with each other, give each other shoulder rubs, extra grace, more of our time. We can still bring Frodo and Star Wars and all of life's most important things to light! We can sing Dave Matthews and Cat Stevens songs to our kids, and be as goofy and lighthearted as we were (probably more so each day). We get by with a little help from our friends.
Thank you all so much.
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