Monday: Was fine. Except for the WAY too perky nurse who called at 7:30 am and told me that we had to come to the hospital the next day at 7 am for a "hospital follow up visit" with Logan's Team. (Logan's Team =Dr. Sanda the Endocrinologist, Christi the diabetic training lady/nurse, and some vegan looking nutritionist.)
Tuesday: We convoy to the hospital, Jer rides his motorcycle, and my Mom and I and the boys cram into the Prius and follow. The appointment itself was okay, they said he is doing "well", but my little dude had some major flashback or trauma and hid under tables, etc.
So we are back to square one with shots at home, "I'm scared!! Don't hurt me" etc.
There is nothing I can write that can describe how it feels to give an injection to someone who is four, and is begging for it not to happen. It makes my chest hurt to even write about it.
Wednesday: I honestly can't remember Wednesday of last week.
Thursday: We had a big playdate with 4 moms, and 9 kids over here, and everyone was busy and loved it.
Friday: We went to Sherri's and helped her pack for her trip, and the kids played and I felt somewhat normal.
Saturday and Sunday: Jer and I tackled rearranging and reorganizing the garage, and Jer drywalled the rec room! The kids were busy, and we were okay, too.
This week has been tough. Logan is starting to fight this. He "ran away" last night... barefoot, in the rain, with his red umbrella. We watched him slowly amble up the street till he got to the corner... he stood there twirling his umbrella for a while in the rain.
Jer finally went and got him, but something about that image of Logan, alone at the corner, barefoot, red umbrella.. contemplating turning the corner and keeping on going. I cried myself to sleep last night, holding one of Logie's blankets and remembering him when he was small enough to hold in my arms and nurse, and he was okay. I just wish better for him than this.
Today:
I just got off the phone with children's hosp. (we call in Logan's blood sugar numbers every few days) The guy I talked to was super great and was a professional soccer player and has had type 1 for 30 years. (these people always cheer me up.)
He gave us some adjustments (lower the long action one down to 2 units) since he has been waking up with blood sugars that are too low (68). We chatted for a while and made some calculations about grams, bedtime snack situations and ideas, and all that.
I keep wishing this was a DVD and I could push a button on the menu for "Alternate Ending".. like where this magically goes away, and we have a big party and everyone just says "Wow, that was a close one!!" etc. This is a fantasy I need to try to never think about.
I know it's not happening.
Today I am back to "we are getting rid of 50% of everything in this house so I can cope" mode.
Friday is my counseling appt at 7am.
Friday at 11 we have well child check ups for the boys, since they are turning 5.
Friday they are checking Gray for Dibaleeteez.
Friday I will be taking an anti-anxiety pill.
I love and hate Friday already.
I am struggling to round what I call "markers" of acceptance. I passed the first one, and felt okay. This first marker was when I bought cute little bags to keep his supplies in, I was connecting to the power of our family and friends, and was basically in a strong place.
Marker number two appeared after doing more reading in our plethora of diabetes books and realizing on a deeper level of what this all means. The daily fight to keep his blood sugars in control, and just the (only three so weeks so far) of the soul searing emotions of watching him grapple with this, as well as my own maternal agony over not being able to "make it better" have worn down my marble- like resolve.
Marker two is where I am standing.. needing to round it. I need to accept this. I need to be a strong enough mom to keep Logan on track even when he fights me. I need to let go of the past.
There is a song by the Cure called "Pictures of you" that has a part I love:
"Remembering You standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky fell in
Holding you close
How I always held close in your fear
Remembering You running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow
You screamed at the make-believe
And screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage
..To let it all go.."
This is my hope for all of us.. to find our courage and let go of our fear, our pain, our old dreams.
Maybe today I can.
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